(Also posted on Mail-Order Nerds blog, MON being a new website me and a few of the lads I know are setting up. Comedy, games & reviews.

I’m a big sucker for falling victim to the jelly-legged feeling incited by the fuzzy, the tiny and the adorable. Dogs with big, dangly mandibles, cats the sleep like sky-diving starfish, the tiny turtle that tackles the tremendous tower of tasty potatoes…

It’s not just animals that make my day, many characters from TV, film and games get under my skin and become like mascots for the whole experience. When designers manage to encapsulate inherent cuteness in their characters, not only do they create memorable and engaging assets, but they instantly draw many to their product through the allure of cute. This has been proven many times in all medias, be it the delightful mannerisms of Wall-E, the adorable expressions of the Sackboy, or my personal favourite, the glorious cluelessness of dog “Spunky” from the old TV series “Rocko’s Modern Life”. Some of TV’s most popular shows have such characters - the Simpsons has the ditzy Santa’s Little Helper and bizarre Snowball II - as do many films and games alike. Cuteness comes in many forms, can be harnessed by many designers, and is very helpful to your product.

However it takes a keen mind and artistic flare to create a truly adorable character. Even the biggest companies take a crack at it and fail. This brings me neatly to the Eyepet. Sony has created a character that defies any take on the theory of cuteness, resulting in a lifeless, plastic character that denies anyone the grant of jelly-legs, fuzzy-wuzzies or squidgy-hargle-bungles. That is, it doesn’t revert one into a quivering, incoherent blob of confused warmness. The reasons for this are very obvious once the theory of cuteness is considered.

The theory of cuteness shows that “cuteness” comes when the character is seen to be underequipped for something that they could be seen attempting or undertaking. For instance, the aforementioned turtle taking on the heap of potatoes is clearly cute as is the turtle’s inability to see the scale of the task before him as he dives hungrily and happily into the mountain. This is highlighted by his small, outstretched neck reflecting his passion towards the task, and his tiny, agape at clearly dwarfed by the hulking mound of nutrients. In one photograph, cuteness at an epic scale has been captured.

And yet the Eyepet defies this notion, instead seems to be an embodiment of the failure to recognise true cuteness. Firstly, by having the face as a separate material to that of its fuzzy body immediately gives the impression of a stuffed-animal, rather than a creature in its own right. So from first appearance it takes on the persona of a living toy, rather than an actual “et”. Also, its regular-sized eyes, normal nose, almost human mouth, all fail to create any allure as their inherent averageness all fade into a bland design. The arches that create the –usually very expressive- eyebrows are carved into the face, stoic and frozen into a forever surprised arc above its normal, uninteresting eyes. Forever it will show only one emotion; unwavering, endless shock and glee. This instantly eradicates any notion of a creature capable of multiple emotions that can be cute in all stages. It is the anti-Sackboy.

Also, by localising the face and casting it in a glossy, cream-coloured plastic, it focuses all attention on the hideous excitement of a creature unable to express emotion through its forever swollen cheeks. The hands also seem to be cast in this same material, moulded purely to grasp with its freakish toes like those devious little Tamarin monkeys, except this thing won’t grab at fruit like a cheeky imp, instead it will use them to scare the youngest family member with its insatiable glare and grasping digits.

So by failing to create a character design that is fluid or engaging, it becomes this eternally lifeless husk framed by a hideous face that will haunt the dreams of many and simply bewilder others. I swear I just want to take a can of deodorant and a lighter to it.

And now I return to my videos of sloths trying to eat fruit that is *just* too big for its cheeks.